in my shower she was a fantasy of all things beauty

a renaissance bride with magic in her warmth

in my bed she was more than I could ever be or satisfy
in love
in love making

a fantasy beyond that of all years desiring

in my kitchen she was my bacon and eggs
my pasta
my steak

a delight fit for royal indulgence

in my mind she was all that I could ever need
or want
or have

a completion to the beginning of time

and ever it will be when letting go through fear is all that could ever be done in times when remaining years seem so few and hearts are so temperamental and vulnerable and subjected to the fears that all she needed in her life was not what I could ever offer as all I am is heart and soul and a will of desire to please but still void of the efforts that could or would be needed as the time went by and she left and then returned and then left again living a life outside my zone a zone of comfort and be it that all I would achieve is to rip that from her gentle and loving grasp and be ostracised by the outside and hated secretly by her inside and kill myself slowly for allowing me to ever be

in my heart she is forever

and will remain as the story of my life and the knife that would be the knife that severs my nerve and artery and system of thought

where is she?

the severance of my sanity or the proof of my insanity as I sit and dream that she is only ever a prostitute of time and a cycle at the head of many men cut down by her bladed thighs

though I know this to be true and not

why why why

is not the stupidity of myself enough to have to deal with without the hearts of others so dear to me being affected so intricately at every turn of my mortal brain? is not an inability to get things right the way that history has so enduringly taught the likes of a desperate and maddening poet whose only claim to any is the loins so deeply sowed by in-affection of the worst kind?

in my shower
in my bed
in my kitchen
in my mind

in life
in pain
in loss

in essence

in all that I am
in all that I can ever be
in all that matters

and in the deepest regret


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