Association for the Association of the removal of Ridiculous Associations Association

I was driving to a suppliers the other day to pick up a part for my camera and for some completely mysterious reason known only to the higher powers of an unknown and no-doubt uselessly divine force, I began to notice the word Association. One in particular stood out from the rest – The Association of Lawn Mowers Australia. Lawn Mowers!

            Further to my research and discovery I noticed a profitable trend related to the term. Association; 


1.     (n.) Union of persons in a company or society for some particular purpose; as, the 

American Association for the Advancement of Science; a benevolent association.Specifically, as 

among the Congregationalists, a society, consisting of a number of ministers, generally the 

pastors of neighboring churches, united forpromoting the interests of religion and the harmony of 

the churches.

2.     (n.) Mental connection, or that which is mentally linked or associated with a thing.

3.     (n.) The act of associating, or state of being associated; union; connection, whether of 

persons of things. 


Now don’t get me wrong, perhaps some associations get it right in terms of the services they offer their members, but really, is an association a means of support for a group of people who partake in a particular activity, or a brilliant idea for charging someone a fortune in yearly membership fees to support an existence that would otherwise be spent slaving for the profits of corporation? I beg for the latter.  Being a tradesman from long back, (my original non-choiceof career), I was once a member of the trade unions. Aside from being sluggedan un-imaginable amount of money in yearly membership and subscription fees, I not once gained any ounce of benefit from the entire service, despite on one occasion even giving them a call for advice on a particular problem. Sorry Sir, we can’t help you despite the problem you are now experiencing being the basis on what this union represents. But please, continue to pay your overly-large yearly membership fees so as our union bosses may live a larger life of luxury and political hob-knobbing. The unfortunate attempt at becoming a non-member of said union resulted in many years of being hassled, chased and even smothered in debt for overdue charges continually charged after my resignation date.


            So what type of Associations exist? Well, I did someresearch. Typing “association Australia” into google I got 28,900,000 results; 

 Gemmological Association of Australia

Galvanizers Association of Australia

 Surface Coatings AssociationAustralia

Fragile X Association of Australia

Fragile what?


 Boomerang Association of Australia

Interpretation AustraliaAssociation

Of what?????


Australian Breastfeeding Association

Might join this one!


Boer Goat Breeders’ Associationof Australia

Is there really that many Boer Goat breeders around? 


The Energy Users Association of Australia

We all use energy right? Shouldn’t we all be members then?


Paint Horse Associationof Australia

What the fuck?


Swedenborg Associationof Australia

If this has nothing to do with hot Swedish chicks I’m out!


Dance Therapy Association ofAustralia

Dance therapy…


Christian Bookselling AssociationAustralia Home Page

Zoroastrian Associationof Western Australia Inc.

http://trev.net.au/index.php

This is a great one. It’s an association created for all the “Trevs” on thenet! Yes that’s right, all the people with the name Trev who use the internet! Question is, how do we know which Trevor posted on the forum when all the member names are Trevor? 

AND MY FAVORITE

Irritable BowelInformation & Support Association – Welcome?

This one reminds me of my life! 

            It occurred to me to come up with my own type of unique association so that I too can charge a fortune for doing squat. Let’s see. Ineed an activity that a lot of people partake in. If I could charge $1.00 for membership start-up and can find one million people to suck into my association I will become an instant millionaire. On top of the $1 start up I can charge some ridiculous amount for yearly membership. Say, $487.95 per year. On top of that you, as a member, can ring my association at any time (between the hours of 9am and 5pm EST, not available on public holidays, weekends, or times when I am jet-setting the world on members funds just to find out what other countries are doing with this activity), but should you be phoning for advice or anything other than to admire and compliment the BMW I drive around in (membership levels were great this year), I will need to charge you a fee based on the type of advice you are seeking. 

            So what association can I start up? Lawn mowers has been done. Gardeners – covered.  Plumbers? Been around for years. Model airplanes already exists as does painters, writers, pavers, rope tiers, phone talkers…The list goes on and on.  So how about arm-sniffers? No, not enough of those around. Panty sniffers? Hair doers? Shoulder slappers, feet ticklers or even wind breakers. Wind breakers! Everyonebreaks wind so why not have an association for it? Hmmm, things to consider here. 

            It seems that no matter the task, the concept of labour or the frequency one may partake in said activities, there is an association that will attempt to entice you to join. Promised with the carrot of  “extra work”, massive benefits and the support of a “specialist institution” you too can be sucked into the constant outflow of monies in return for slapping a logo on your car, truck or trailer to advertise them completely free of charge.  

Perhaps an Association for the Association of the removal of Ridiculous Associations Association might be required…


Sean

BOOK RELEASE – EMPIRE OF THE MIND

Cover - Empire of the MindHey everyone it has finally happened.

The first batch of my book Empire of the Mind has arrived!
It is available for purchase on this website and will be posted to you. However, if you want to pick the book up rather than pay postage then go to the orders page on the site and make a payment for $25.00 detailing your name etc. I will contact you to arrange a time for you to drop by and pick it up.

The book has been published in paperback and retails for $25.00AU

I hope you all enjoy the book and please, once you have read it come back here to discuss it with myself an everyone else.

Thanks for the support,

Sean

For Rent. But Only If…..

Some may remember the poem I wrote about the guy who lived in the unit upstairs from me. The hours and hours of god TV blaring from his open doors until 2 sometimes 3 in the morning. The loud applauding and screams of “Hallelujah” and “Praise jesus”, and the bangs and scrapes that always began around 4am.

    Well, the old bastard has gone, the unit is now on the rental market, and I’m at the wondering stage about who my new neighbor is going to be. It also got my mind churning over the concept of a “perfect neighbor” in a small block of units and just what that neighbor would be? Most of us these days have been there. The metal lover who can’t get through the day or night without Pantera at 6 million decibels, the young female who’s idea of entertaining consists of a plethora of drunk friends with opera voices bellowing through the Friday, Saturday and Sunday night air. Perhaps you’ve had a couple living next door who are so whacked up on drugs that they fail to realize the intensity of the arguments they engage in nightly. What about the night shift guy who complains if you sneeze during the day because it disturbs his sleep pattern and makes for a hard night at the local 711 selling ten week old hot dogs and flat coke at a 300% markup. One of my neighbors had a girl friend that was a screamer and for some reason they loved to hump with their windows open all the time (my apologies to you-know-who for the you-know-what), annoying despite the jealousy regarding how many times a day they engaged in their little romps.

    I had a neighbor once who loved his hookers. Guaranteed booty twice a week at 2am. The driver would wait out front as the high heels clunked and echoed up the driveway, a knock on the door, 30 minutes of moaning and paid for comment, then the clunk of the heels back down the driveway, bang of a car door and engine start. Thursday and Sunday without a skip. Another that was a criminal and was subject to regular Police raids in the early hours of the morning. Flashing lights, guns drawn and officers screaming to get down on the ground. What about the fat and unkempt guy that loves to hang his washing on the balcony in the nude with his hairy arse blatantly out there for all to see. The same guy that takes his bin out in his stained white y-fronts mumbling to himself about how wrong and disrespectful the younger generation are these days. Ptwah! A spit on the ground and a scratch of a beer belly the size of the United Kingdom.

    I’ve had them all and am positive that as a renter I will continue to have more. So I ask you, what would the perfect neighbor in a block of units be? Perhaps an old lady that loves to bake cakes for you and spends hours sitting in the silence knitting for the local Lions Club? A hot young female that is not only recluse and quiet, but hates clothes and window dressings and tends to knock on your door occasionally because she’s run out of sugar? A person who rents a place but lives around at their partners most of the time and only returns on the rare occasion to bring in the mail and pay the bills?

    Life is so full of varied and wonderful characters, some not so wonderful and those that are just in-betweens. I can’t wait to find out who that new neighbor will be, yet at the same time it is so damn nice to have an empty place upstairs…

 

Sean King

Answers

You want to know why?
why I cant sleep,
why I cant eat,
why I cant breathe.
why there are moments in my recent days where my heart stops beating?
why I detach my soul,
why I break contact,
why I do things to hurt?
why there are moments in my day where I cry for you.
why I see black and white when there are always shades of grey.
why I put myself through this agony,
why I pretend I can make you believe I am your one and only.
why I stare at you and not even realise I am.
why there are moments in my day where I show enough self control not to contact you.
why I cry myself to sleep eventually,
why food makes me feel ill,
why darkness is my new best friend.
why there are moments in my when when I wish you would disappear….

I don’t have answers to any of them.

Sealed

Carly Jeffries

Sorry

I am sorry I couldn’t save you.
You were too pure for this world,
It’s trials, it’s faults did not deserve such grace.
Here is too dull, too sad to adapt to all that you were.

I am sorry I couldn’t make it right for you.
I am sorry I cried when you begged me not to.
You owe me an apology for leaving me when I asked you to stay.
But I’m sorry I never kept you in my every thought…

I still see you everyday.

Carly Jeffries